Redemption.

Mother's Day is this week, I am in a different place than I was  at this time last year, first off I am a mama to three.  However I have strong vivid memories of this very same week, one year ago. You can read the post I wrote at that time here We were chosen to adopt an 18 month old baby girl and too say we were ecstatic would be an understatement. I kept telling Joe how perfect  the situation felt she was the exact age we had hoped for ...and she looked like us It was a crazy, wonderful time .  A few days before Mother's Day, everything came tumbling down and we were left broken and weary, I knew adoption would have dark days but I never comprehended how consumed I would feel during the process . Joe and I were not together when we received the news of the failed adoption, it was one of the longest, heart-wrenching nights and I spent it alone. I remember breaking down in front of my parents as I tried to explain a situation that I could not make sense of... fully overcome with emotion.  Those days after were fogged over with confusion and trying to find a way to salvage the hope of ever adopting.   We grieved loosing that sweet baby girl with strawberry blond hair. We wanted to quit, seriously we did. I found myself in our caseworkers office angry, I wanted answers. Just tell it to me straight, this might never work out, right? She confirmed my fears, and responded with a  "there is no guarantee you'll be placed, hundreds upon hundreds of home studies are submitted for every child that goes up for adoption."

A few days later I attended our church on Mother's Day, honestly I didn't want to go...I felt raw emotionally, it was the last place I wanted to be.  "It would be different if you hadn't asked me to do this Lord," I remember telling Him, yea I felt a tad spiteful. "I didn't even really want to be a mother before you called me to take this journey, now look at me... I feel empty." When all the mothers stood up to be honored I squeezed back tears. I felt for every mama that had lost a child and every mother begging God for one.  I desperately wanted to believe in the bigger picture that God did care for me, had not set me out on this journey to abandon me.  The weeks and months after I replayed one song a million times. "You know me" by Stephanie Frizzell from the Loft sessions.  I sang this song over and over, whispered it, belted it and plain wore it out.  It was like a healing balm to a wounded soul.

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea,

And still You know me

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

And You are God and You don't miss a thing

Redemption is one of the most beautiful things I've experienced and I've found it once more... 

When I look at my children I see Gods faithfulness. He has rescued them...saved their lives, truly folks  you don't know where they've been. 

He knew I would walk this path and the pain and uncertainty that would go with, He knew I  would be broken and poured out. Through it all He was saying  "take a bet on me, Angela girl", 

This Mother's Day I get to spend with the three babes I've had dreams of since my teens.