Imagine you are ripped away from one life, with it's own family, neighborhood, school, friends and culture and thrown into another...this one is nothing like the last. You are torn between allowing yourself to enjoy what you now have and remembering those in your past. You are told to accept your new life and family but you have flashbacks of the old, your past....you are torn. Caught somewhere between in a web of hurt.
I have looked forward to all my firsts with my new babes...and we've had a lot of firsts in six months. 2 Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day, St. Patricks Day and finally Easter.
Every holiday I hear, "awe, I bet your kids are loving getting to spend ( fill in the blank) with you, I bet this is their best one yet!"
I would love to believe this statement was true and we do our very best to make it a positive experience. We set out to create beautiful, happy days for our children, put in place new memories to reminisce of but it does not erase the evident pain that shows with every celebration. The old memories flood in and the confusion and hurt takes over. It breaks a new mama's heart knowing that she cannot make her babies happy.
Holidays are rough and the weeks leading up and following are some of the worst we encounter. I feel for adoptive parents everywhere as they try desperately to navigate through those weeks and the failed expectations that accompany. As a parent one of your greatest joys is seeing happiness in your child. knowing that no matter what trinket we purchase, Easter egg hunts they attend there is still a deep pain that refuses to relent. Many times when asked they can't explain the root of their unhappiness but acknowledge it. There are mountains of tears, tantrums and pouting. It's ugly.
...and all we want to do is fix it.
A very real and personal moment for me this last week was holding my child in my arms after an exceptionally bad day that I will most likely never forget and saying through tears..." I wish I could take away your hurt, mama knows you have pain in your heart, but we have to let it go so it stops hurting others"...we cried hard together.
I am inadequate for this job...for healing.
I attended a conference with Dr. Karyn Purvis this past weekend she said a million things that spoke to my wavering soul.
On of my favs was...." God wouldn't let a child be harmed without providing a healing balm".
I truly believe that.
I'll write more later
:)
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